This is the first chapter of A. D. Burks’s book, Sex and Surrender. You may read it here, or download it as as a pdf.
“By the pool table.”
Within a few minutes, Santiago saw me and headed in my direction.
“Hey, buddy,” he said in that sexy accent.
“This is my friend Mitch.”
“Nice to meet you,” he said, smiling at us both.
“Likewise,” Mitch responded.
Santiago and I exchanged a few words and then he had to go because it was almost show time. At this point, my mission was accomplished. My best friend had seen the person who was making me feel like I had reclaimed a part of my life I had lost, the part where I was with one singular person who made me want to conquer the world. With that being accomplished, we left without me subjecting Mitch to any more debauchery.
Technically, he could tell his boyfriend he just went to a club with me, since no one had actually stripped while we were there.
We went back to my car and I just sat there smiling from ear to ear thinking about Santiago. Yet Mitch wasn’t saying anything.
“So what do you think?” I was so anxious to hear his opinion.
“You’ve had better,” he said dismissively.
“Are you kidding me? That body and face are sick.”
“Uh, he’s cute but you’ve had better. And he looks like Mark,” he added.
“No way! He’s not as tall and his body is so much better. It fits into mine like a glove. It’s true that Mark’s face is flawless,” I replied.
“Whatever. He looks like Mark. I do have to admit, though, that I haven’t seen you this happy and excited about life in, I don’t know when.
Mitch was absolutely right. Santiago made me feel like I wanted to conquer the world just so I could have him by my side.
THE LADY IN MY LIFE
Now that my best friend had weighed in on Santiago, it was time to get feedback from the most important woman in my life right behind my mom: Jeri Jones. Jeri grew up three houses down from me. The daughter of a biracial couple, she was beautiful, athletic and had a caring heart of pure gold. Whenever I thought about the woman I would marry, Jeri immediately came to mind: she was the epitome of perfection. Yet there were two quintessential problems: (1) Jeri was bisexual and was currently in a relationship with her new girlfriend and (2) Jeri saw me as her brother.
Jeri and I grew up together and we’ve spent a tremendous amount of time together, so it goes without saying that she is one of the most influential people in my life. My exposure to the GLTB (Gay Lesbian Transgender and Bisexual) alternative lifestyle scene came via Jeri. After I finished undergrad, I came home to Houston. My friends from high school went to schools out of state like I did, so when I got back, everyone was living in other cities. Naturally, I started hanging out with Jeri. She was intimately involved with the alternative scene, and I started tagging along.
Since I’m always looking for new experiences, I had to fight to get over my initial hesitation. Seeing men on men and women on women in bars, nightclubs, and house parties was totally different than what I had previously been exposed to. I was raised on church doctrine and I was well aware that the Bible said that homosexuality was a sin. I was in constant struggle and conflict around how I could be a Christian and be around what the church would consider debauchery. Yet at the same time there was such passion, intimacy, and sensuality taking place that I couldn’t help but be intrigued. With so many guys complimenting me and wanting to get with me, I started to revel in all the attention.
Once I realized marrying Jeri wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, because she was so deeply ensconced in the lifestyle,
I became despondent and started turning to the adulation I was getting from men. Whether it was because I was trying to show her I could do the same thing or because I was devastated by her rejection of me, I’m not sure. I started having sex with men and that’s how the addiction ultimately took root.
You might have heard it said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results. Well, addictions can drive sane people insane. You feel that you’re psychologically and physically unable to do anything about the addiction, even though you know you have to do something. I harbored two versions of insanity: the first was the thought that Jeri and I would get married one day and have the family I had always dreamt about. This first version led to the second version, which was the idea that I wasn’t a sex addict. I would see someone I wanted and wouldn’t stop until I engaged in some form of sex with them – no matter who I ended up harming in the process. These moments of insanity would result in my sex addiction cycles.
The onset of the cycle might start with me seeing a guy around my age with a beautiful wife and a couple of kids. My cycle could also be initiated by a discussion with Jeri about our future children. We had said for years that if neither of us was married by twenty-eight, we’d get married. The insane part was that I actually believed it.
After our talks, I’d get my hopes up for having my ideal family, even though I knew that Jeri was bisexual, and that she was in a committed relationship with her girlfriend. But she was the only woman I wanted as the mother of my children, and so I didn’t want to get attached to any other woman. Instead, I spent my time looking at various types of porn or I would check our men as potential sex partners. I’d engage in anonymous sex, or worse, I’d get in a “relationship” with a guy who genuinely loved me, only to leave him. It became a vicious cycle.
Every now and then, however, I’d run into a lady capable of placing a yield sign in my path. These women had beauty, intelligence, grace and class, and were definitely marriage material. They made me question whether Jeri was truly “The One.” When I really sat back and analyzed what I valued (a more relined lifestyle) and what Jeri valued (a more laidback lifestyle), I would end up believing that our worlds had drifted apart like tectonic plates.
It was during those off periods when I was finally able to make headway in the direction I wanted my life to go. But subconsciously, something would tell me not to get too close because I was still waiting for Jeri. And like the laws of physics state, no two things can occupy the same space and time. I’d tell myself: just one more ride, you can get married and have a family when you turn thirty. It’s okay to play now. And that’s exactly what I did.
For me, the Holy Grail was to engage in sex as a spiritual act. I felt that if I could experience that I would be truly healed. What I wanted was a spiritual/sexual connection with an exceptional woman, one who would become the mother of my children, and I didn’t think for a moment that I would find her in a club. And yet I was a man in his early thirties with a healthy libido who had been celibate for quite some time.
When it comes to sex, for me there has always been a neat dichotomy between men and women. Women are sexy, but ultimately I tend to see them as potential wives and moms-to-be. Men are who I turn to when I want great sex fast. I’ve had great loves with women and with men, but I have a very deeply ingrained rule: never have sex with a woman you don’t love. This rule evolved because of the relationship I had with my mom. While I could have random sex with a guy and not give it a second thought, I never wanted to hurt a woman emotionally like my dad hurt my mom.
When anyone would ask why I hadn’t settled down, I would often say, “I just haven’t found the right one,” and the person would invariably go on about how I was too attractive and nice not to be with anyone. But what they didn’t realize was that there was one thought in the back of my mind – I want to get married and have children – and there was a radically different thought in the front of my mind: I want to fuck the finest thing I can lay my eyes on.