This is the first chapter of A. D. Burks’s book, Sex and Surrender. You may read it here, or download it as as a pdf.
Over the years both Jeri and I had gone back and forth between men and women, but my idea that one day Jeri and I would be a family and have kids never wavered. Yet here we were at the age of 34, she in a committed relationship with a new woman and me falling for a new man.
Since Jeri’s grandmother lives on my side of town, Jeri would typically swing by my place after her visits so we could catch up. It was always a pleasure to see those gleaming hazel eyes and warm bright beautiful smile. Before we sat down in my living room, she grabbed a piece of candy from the candy jar; Jeri makes sure to keep a stock of candy at my place, since she knows I try to avoid the stuff. If I’m going to eat something sweet, I’m going all out: cake, pie, cobbler, you name it.
“Jeri, you aren’t going to believe who I’ve been doing,” I began.
“Knowing you, I probably won’t, but who?”
“He’s Chilean and his name is Santiago. You have got to see him. His body is so right and you know I’m a face man. hat smile of his is freaking contagious.”
“That’s what’s up!”
“His smile has the ability to make me feel like I’m on top of the world. I don’t know what it is! I feel so strong when I’m with him. The way he carries himself with so much confidence – it takes my own self-assurance to another level. There’s no better feeling in the world than being with that one person who just makes you better.”
“I definitely know what you mean. Just the way you’re talking about him has you beaming. So when do I get to meet him?”
“Well, with all that joy he brings me, there are a few things which are a problem.”
“Well, he’s a stripper, he’s married, and he has a child. As a matter of fact, I’m quite pissed at him now because the only time we hook up is when I go to the club. I had made plans for us to go have sushi, since he said it was his favorite, and he stood me up.”
“Hell, let’s go to the club!”
“I can’t keep going through this shit. I want to see him when I want to see him. But the sex is so good, Jeri. The first time we had sex, we went four hours straight. It took our third meeting before someone finally came. You know I made sure he was first and then I forced myself,” I explained.
“Yeah, I see you ‘won.’ Well, if the sex is that good, he’ll be back.”
“True, but I want more. He’s got me feeling the way Trevor made me feel.” Trevor was the first man I had fallen in love with.
“What! I haven’t heard that name in a long time. He must be special.”
I smiled at her. “When I’m with him I think of all the things I want to accomplish so we can have a better life. Being with him makes me want to start a family – to create a better life for his son and maybe even a child you and I have one day. And the biggest thing of all is: I don’t want to be with or have sex with anyone else.”
Maybe a week or so later, Jeri unexpectedly showed up at my house on a night Santiago was going to be working. Looking very “butch,” she was dressed in a plaid button-down shirt with some oversized khaki shorts and tennis shoes. I must have told her the club’s strip show schedule. She had two female friends with her who I hadn’t met before. They might have been heterosexual, but with Jeri one never knows. It wasn’t like I cared either way because I was clearly infatuated with Santiago.
“Let’s go see him,” she demanded.
“I don’t want to go,” I replied, although I did want her to see him. If Jeri didn’t think he was fine and didn’t give her stamp of approval, it would be easy to let him go.
“Well, we want to see some strippers. So get in and drive,” she demanded. It just so happened that both she and Santiago drove Mazda CX-7s. Hers was the Copper Red Mica and his was the Stormy Blue Mica.
As I was driving, I was so torn because I wanted Jeri to see him, and I wanted to see him, but I didn’t want to be disappointed.
When we arrived, the club was packed and I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to go in. I gave Jeri a detailed description of what he looked like. Besides, she knew my type to a tee.
“Man, come on and go in,” she cajoled me.
“Nope! I’ll wait for you all out here.”
While they were inside, I was left to wonder if he was performing. What did he have on? What would Jeri think about him? It seemed like they had been in there forever and then I got a text from her saying the announcer said he was going on next. Within a couple of minutes, Jeri sent me a text with a picture of him standing on stage, shirtless and in sunglasses, with a red spotlight positioned directly on him. It was like I was looking at this irresistible temptation. All it took was one look and it was as if Satan’s mighty power drew me right into the club.
Once inside, I maneuvered my way through the jam-packed crowd to the table where Jeri and her friends were seated. My heart sank when I saw that they were right in front of the stage – too much temptation.
“He’s fine, but there’s another one in here that’s finer,” she said.
“Yeah, but he can’t dance. worth shit,” I replied.
“Your boy is definitely the sexiest in here.”
When Santiago got off the stage I introduced him to Jeri, telling him that she was my sister.
“Yeah, my sister.”
Once they had been introduced to him, the girls had had their fill of unavailable half-naked men and were ready to go. Of course, I wanted to stick around to make sure I would get to see Santiago that evening. He knew I was waiting and he intentionally kept talking to other patrons. At that point I was getting pissed, and everybody was waiting on me. So I made my way over to him.
“Are you going to swing by tonight?”
“No, I’ve got to get home.”
It was just as I had known it would be. I should not have walked into that club; I should not have risked seeing him because once again I had ended up disappointed.